TSA FAIL

I would like to know what kind of threat almond butter poses to plane, crew and passengers in the eyes of the Transportation Security Administration?

Not only did I find TSA failed with a capital FAIL on a recent trip with my girlfriend and I to Syracuse to see her grandparents, but apparently almond butter could possibility be used to hijack an aircraft??? I'm baffled. This super healthy (and expensive) food item is not explosive that I know of and with the consistency of, well, soft butter, it certainly can't be used as a blunt object to knock someone upside the head. Here's what happened.

While driving through an Amish area near Lake Oneida, we stopped at an Amish country store. I was absolutely blown away by the low prices of their products, mostly food items produced locally (obviously the Amish aren't worried about making a greedy profit). Almond butter, cashew butter and peanut butter were all for sale. A large container of almond butter costs around $3.50. The same amount in a grocery store in my home town runs about $10. I decided to buy two of them. My girlfriend purchased one almond butter and one cashew butter. At the airport we checked in and approached the TSA security screening area. Before I knew it we were both questioned about our bags and then taken to the "special" area for further inspection. Now these "special" areas are right next to each other, not more than 5-feet apart. Two TSA security officers diligently searched our bags for explosives, nukes, machine guns, bazookas or whatever. What they found were three containers of almond butter and one of cashew butter between the two of us. Like well trained dogs e,ach TSA officer removed the suspect item and informed us they would need to run the bags through the scanning machines one more time. Fine, whatever. We set there waiting patiently, undignified of our quest to live a healthier life by eating good foods. My TSA inspector officer comes back first.

"Sir, the almond butter can't go with you," she says as if she's made some heroic feat for national security. "You can check it if you are checking any bags."

My response?

"Mame, that butter costs more than $10 per jar in Florida and as you can see from the prices clearly marked next to the product description and ingredients list it is simply not worth it to pay the airline rapeage charge for checking my bag."

She looks at me and says, "OK sir, I'll throw it away."

But wait, there's more!

I pass my girlfriend as she's still waiting on her bags to be scanned over again. She whispers, "did they take your butter?"

I nod and walk away silently. How in the name of national security is almond butter a threat to passengers and crew? It's obviously not a threat to aircraft if TSA is alright with stowing it below in the cargo hold where line guys will surely smash the living hell out of it before tossing it into the plane. That's going to create one hell of a mess in my bag!

My girlfriend is soon released and walks my way smiling. "They didn't take my almond butter or my cashew butter," she says.

TSA FAIL!

Thanks TSA. Not only did you rob me of my healthy almond butter, but you reassured me that your practices and control policies are completely inconsistent. I feel safer now.

Thank you sir may I have another.... Flying sucks sometimes

My recent lack of posts is due to another passion of mine - traveling. In the last 9 days I've traversed 4 states and about 6,000 miles using planes, trains, automobiles, boats and even a kayak. I WILL have lots more to share this week, but amongst the chaos of returning to the old grind I'll share only the last 19 hours or so of my adventure first.

It went something like this:

0445 hours: Awake to the sunrise (yes it's already light at this latitude) and remind myself I'm in Seattle at Kim's house.
0620 hours: Ride with Kim through some bullish Seattle traffic to her work place and switch to a taxi to continue on to the airport.
0730 hours: Check in at airport. Find some food. Board Delta Boeing 757 jet airplane.
0830 hours: Sit on taxi way for 45 minutes awaiting late takeoff.
Sometime in route: Discover "in flight trivia" game on touchscreen headrest TV in front of me. Win trivia game!
1647 hours: Land at Atlanta International Airport 45 minutes late for connecting flight leaving for Orlando at 1655 hours. Tighten the shoe laces on my Merrell cross trainers and secure my backpack for the impending dash.
1653 hours: Released out of airplane. Discover connecting flight is two yes TWO terminals away. Start running. Feel extreme soreness in legs from trail running previous weekend.
1658 hours: Arrive at connecting flight gate only to learn the door was shut 3 minutes ago.
1700 hours: Realize how far I've run in such a short amount of time, catch breath (gasp, gasp) and ask if there's another flight.
1701 hours: Receive a boarding pass for a FIRST CLASS seat on an 8 p.m. flight to Orlando. SWEET! Also receive a standby ticket for a flight leaving at 1755 hours.
1720 hours: Allergy attack begins. Nose turns into Niagara falls. Take several allergy medicines surely to induce "loopiness."
1755 hours: At the gate for stand by flight. In the mood to just "get home." Announcement made that Delta Boeing 767 is down to only 1 air conditioner and they are holding off boarding process to try and let jet "cool" down.
1830 hours: Boarding process begins despite 85 degree temperatures inside aircraft.
1845 hours: My name is called. Give up "First class seat" at 8 p.m. for a middle seat in 85 degree aircraft to "get home" sooner.
1900 hours: Sit on taxi way for 1 hour awaiting late departure. Play more trivia. Win trivia game again.
2000 hours: In route to Orlando. Yay! Temperature drops to about 80 degrees. Allergy attack continues along with lighted headed loopiness. Begin to think that said "loopiness" is making me a better trivia player as I win again!
2001 hours: Captain announces we are headed west over Gulf of Mexico to avoid severe thunderstorm covering entire middle area of Florida.
2030 hours: Enter holding pattern somewhere above Gulf west of St. Petersburg as Orlando is not accepting any aircraft due to thunderstorms.
2045 hours: Unsuccessfully try to get moody flight attendant to sell me a vodka ginger ale.
2115 hours: Leave holding pattern with "plan" to head south to Naples, cross state, return up the Atlantic and come in behind thunderstorms from the north.
2120 hours: Apparently there's not enough fuel for the "plan" so new plan is made to divert to Tampa for more fuel.
2200 hours: Land at Tampa. No one gets off the plane alive! Temperature back up to 85 or 90 degrees. Take on fuel. Sit on taxiway with all the other planes that diverted for same reason for 45 minutes to take off again.

2300 hours: Exit trivia game and change my player name to "FML." Continue playing trivia and win yet again! Catch dude two rows up looking at my seat number to see who is named FML.

2310 hours: In route to Oralndo.

It reads: "Congratulations.... FML is the winner!"

2345 hours: Land at Orlando International. Passengers clap, hoot and holler. Get the hell off airplane. Pick up luggage that somehow beat me to the airport. Good Riddance Delta.
0100 hours: Arrive back to New Smyrna Beach and crash in my super comfortable king size bed for the next 9 hours!