Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tennis Chick

At the request of several followers after reading about Savannah Girl I'm chalking up another story for the Dating Disaster files!

This time we'll call her Tennis Chick.

To be honest, I've put off writing this blog for some time. The date actually occurred more than a month ago. Needless to say there was no second date, but I always worry about offending people should they happen to be "blog-stalking" me. I'm pretty sure Tennis Chick isn't blog stalking me nor being concerned with what's currently happening in my life so if you want a change up or a little non-surfing and non-running entertainment read on!

Watching the U.S. Open Championship Match between Roger Federer and Juan Martin del Potro inspired me to finally write this post. Honestly, before watching Del Potro upset Federer I had never seen him play. I knew Federer, but did not recognize the 20-year-old from Argintina. I could see he was tall and started to to wonder because it seemed about the same size as myself. Turns out he is my size; 6'6" and only about 10 pounds heavy at around 180 pounds. I literally jumped up and down to cheer on my fellow tall person as he won the match point. Yay for tall people!

Ok, now on to dating disaster with Tennis Chick!

The Background

To protect the innocent we'll not get into how I met Tennis Chick, but we'll just say it was a blind date of sorts (I know, I know, I should know better by now!) with our only communication before the date being through email and text messages (of course a few photos were exchanged). Tennis Chick seemed like a winner on paper. Her emails and text messages appeared to have some witty humor. She works in the advertising/marketing field (hmmm creative = interesting) and has a college education (independent?). Her photos are attractive. I really don't require much. Some might say I'm picky and that's the reason I'm single, but I'd like to think I'm smart. All I look for initially is someone with a great sense of humor, healthy conscience and there's got to be some sort of attraction. That's it... super simple. Tennis Chick passes the initial test.

The Date

After several weeks of email and text message flirting I finally pinned her down on a meet up. I say pinned her down because she said multiple times she would like to do activities such as surfing or going to the beach, but would never commit. So the "pin down" occurred when she mentioned her weekend plans that involved playing tennis with a friend on Friday night. Apparently she is an avid tennis player. It's Monday and the conversation quickly turns to everything tennis. For the record I'm not a tennis player. I took lessons when I was a child and that's it. When I play I usually need help keeping score. However, I am athletically coordinated better than average and can manage a non-competitive match for exercise and fun. The date is set for the next night, Tuesday, and we decided to meet at a public park in the next city north of me for a friendly match after finishing work for the day.

On Tuesday I confirm with her our date plans. Since I'm not sure which public park she wants to play at she tells me I can meet her at Target. I admitted to her that since I don't play Tennis very often all of my tennis balls have gone to my dog, literally, so I offered to buy more if needed while at the Target. That goes over well, but just as I'm getting off work she text me saying she has left work early and is already at Target because she needs to buy a tennis racket.

Can I just say ??????????

May I ask why you are buying a tennis racket if you're such an avid tennis player? Apparently, she needs a new one. She also buys new tennis balls and asks if I have GPS in my truck. After telling her yes she text me the address of the park. I diligently follow my GPS (aka the "bitch" because I gave her a British accent to make her sound more snooty when she talks) directions. It takes me into a residential neighborhood with no tennis courts in sight. I arrive at a house matching the address and there is a woman standing outside near a parked car. She waves.

"Ahhhh sh*t!"

I know this might sound shallow, but that's the first thing I thought as I realized it was Tennis Chick in real life. It is now obvious that Tennis Chick on paper is a few years younger. Tennis Chick in real life is out of shape and in the nicest way possible for me to say this... gained a few pounds. I have an open mind and I have nothing against people that are overweight, but I'm also 100-percent sure at this point in my life that I cannot have a relationship with someone that is overweight and not healthy and active like myself. Friends... sure. Relationship... NO BUENO!

I wave back as I ease to a stop at the end of the driveway and lower my window. Forcing a smile I ask, "I thought I was going to a tennis court?"
"You are. It's around the block. I didn't know the address. This is a friend's house. Just follow me around the block," she yells while climbing into her car and starting the engine.

At this point I'm having a shallow moment. I've already made up my mind that I have no interest in her based only on the few facts I have gathered and first impression. I feel as I'm making assumptions or judgments without due diligence. I hate feeling this way, but I cannot help it. There must be something instinctual about it. She leads me around the block to a park I recognize. I played men's league softball a few years ago here. If she had told me the park's name I would have remembered. We park, get out of the cars and I go to give her a friendly hug, but before I can get that far she points at her car and says, "look at all that shit in my car! Wait, if it's mine it's crap, if it's someone else shit then it's shit. Look at all that crap in my car!"


That is my question because I sure didn't know. I just nodded in silent agreement almost tongue tied. This is first impression time and this is what she gives me to work with???

In the drive between the mystery house and the park I made up my mind that since I've driven all the way up here I might as well play some tennis and perhaps use this as a "practice" date. I've already decided that Tennis Chick doesn't have a chance in hell with me, but seriously, that was her opening line? Look at all this shit in my car???

I ask her how her day went at work (an easy conversation starter). She gives me a long story about a crazy client that her company is getting a restraining order against and she starts every sentence with the word, "like." Like, a pure sign of intelligence! She also drops an F-bomb in every other sentence. Now I don't have the cleanest mouth. I'll admit that, but when you're making a first impression it is not the time to talk like a sailor and especially if your conversation partner isn't using any slang or curse words back at you in the conversation. Just sayin!

We walk over to the tennis court. She opens the can of new tennis balls and takes up her side of the court. Her first few attempts at serving end up in the net. The next few go out of bounds, way out of bounds. More F-bombs are released and we're not even keeping score! Tennis Chick finally dials it in and serves up something I can hit back. After five minutes she needs a break and sits down on the bench. I'm concerned for her health. She says she needs water. Being thoughtful, I packed a cooler with a couple of Gatorade G2s. She refuses my first offer, but when I get one out for myself reconsiders and tells me red is her favorite Gatorade color.

Tennis Chick and I knock the balls around the court for the next 20-30 minutes in what could vaguely resemble a tennis match. No score is kept and no real serve attempts are made. Boundary lines are ignored and I find myself hitting the ball directly back to her rather than aiming for a part of the court that gives me an advantage. It's easier this way and I have to chase down less wildly hit tennis balls. During this attempt to play tennis I go into detective mode by asking a few questions. Nothing crazy. The normal stuff like where did you grow up, go to school, have brothers or sisters, etc. etc. What I get in return is craziness.

In a nutshell she first informs me that she is on anti-anxiety drugs and needs to go to the drug store to refill her prescription because she has a dentist appointment tomorrow only for a teeth cleaning and will get an anxiety attack if she doesn't pop a pill before! I understand a fear of dentists, but what about anxiety from a first date? What is she on right now? Secondly, she tells me her mother is bi-polar and insane. She tells me about her wack relationship with the mother and how she's only spoken to her a few times this year. And third, as if icing on the cake, she throws out her daddy issues and how she's only met her real and only father twice in her life.

A+ goes to Tennis Chick for being brutally honest about her f*cked up family!!!

Hint to single girls everywhere:
1.) When going into a first date situation with a guy tread lightly when we ask about your parents, especially your mom! This is a loaded question. If you're mom is awesome tell us proudly. If not, don't lie about it, but ease us into the situation. We will judge you against your mom and sometimes your dad. It's NOT true that every girl turns into her mother, but there's always the chance that it will happen and you can bet when we first meet you we're definitely considering it!
2.) Easy on the drugs! If you are on prescription drugs for some kind of condition then that's great because it means you recognized a problem and have sought out help... unless you're abusing or addicted. But this is another thing you might want to ease us into. Asking about prescription drugs is NOT even first date subject material and if a guy asks about this he should be given a big FAIL as well!
3.) If you have daddy issues keep that to yourself. Nothing says, "I'm a messed up psycho chick," like letting us know you were abused by your father or your father abused your mother, etc. etc. Again, maybe keep this information until a later date... just sayin!

We're 30-minutes into what I guess could be considered warming up for tennis at best. I'm not sweating. I'm not laughing either. She's huffing and puffing and drenched. I'm concerned she might hurt herself. We take a break and she finishes off the G2 and says under her breath, "there's a really good ice cream place right around the block."

"You want ice cream," I ask slightly amused? "Let's go get some ice cream!"

At this point I'm curious just to see how much ice cream she will eat. I know... I'm evil.

It's dinner time. The best part about being an adult is you can eat whatever you want whenever you want, but personally I like to eat healthy and substantial food at dinner time. Only a few minutes later we are in line ordering ice cream. She gets the triple size soft serve with gummy bears on top. Excellent choice! I go for the small cup size vanilla (real ice cream) with Reese's on top. I'm a sucker for peanut butter! I pay for the both of us. My treat.

As we sit down and eat our ice cream at dinner time I get the conversation going again by asking about her dog. We both have dogs and dog people usually love to talk about their dogs. She starts by telling me how she has her dog on anti-depressant drugs -- human anti-depressant drugs -- Prozac to be precise. ALL-RIGHTY-then! I understand that perhaps maybe dogs really are prescribed toned down doses of anti-depressant drugs, but in light of all the other "interesting" conversation we've had tonight I've reached my limit. She tells me her dog has been locked up all day in the house and I tell her she should go home and let him out, take him for a walk, make him happy! Excellent escape strategy!

Cue the curtains!

We politely say goodbye, see ya later, whatever, but I'm sure she gets the point. Another dating disaster for the blog! FAIL on dating.... again!

Disclaimer: I would never write about any person like this and give away their identity, nor would I write about them unless I was mostly sure they would never see it even with their identity protected. These kind of stories are only about first dates, strangers I'll never see again and definitely NOT anyone I plan to see again. I'm also hoping that very soon I'll be able to write a dating story that ends in a SUCCESS! I know of a certain candidate ;-) but only time will tell.


  1. Thank you for the humor- I needed it this morning after waking up at 4am to a vommitting child. All I can say is... Wow. Quite the chick. And... maybe do a little friendly poke and say that blind dates set up by Jesus are the only ones to follow. ;->

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